FREEDOM!

This blog post is for my own memory's sake more than your reading pleasure. If you continue to read on, don't say I didn't warn you.

I have come to the end of my breast feeding journey. And it is very bittersweet.

The bitter parts...
Although Gray got teeth pretty early, we never had any issues with him biting me until about 4 weeks ago. He bit me so hard that I hollered out pretty loud. I'd always heard that if your baby bit you while nursing, that you were supposed to yell and/or pop them so that they were frightened enough not to do it again. I didn't even have time to think about my reaction, it startled me and it HURT! Well it's safe to say it frightened him and he never bit me again, because he never nursed again after that. Not only would he refuse to nurse after that, he would get very upset every time I tried. It was heartbreaking and frustrating, but mostly heartbreaking. All of a sudden I had this baby who up until this point, relied almost solely on me for his daily nutrition. I had this baby who'd almost always been so easy to nurse. And now he wanted nothing to do with it. I'd planned on nursing him until he was one and I always thought I'd be the one choosing to wean him and I'd be able to prepare for it emotionally. I guess in this way I never had have that emotional battle, but this has been hard too. I started having to pump for every one of his bottles (4-5 a day, usually only 4 thankfully). It got old really quick for several reasons. Now one might think that being a stay at home mom would make it easier to do so, but I didn't find that to be true for me. I didn't have the option of locking my office door each time I needed to pump. I'd wake up before he did in the mornings, pump during his naps and then at least two more times in the evenings. I hate to pump. I have hated for a long time, especially when Gray was so easy to nurse and for the past 5 months he could eat in less than 10 minutes. His naps are pretty short these days so it came down to either taking a shower or pumping, doing the dishes and laundry or pumping, etc., etc. I was never able to get it done while he was awake because he is all over the place. I was already either staying up until midnight or getting up at 3:00 in the morning to pump. It was all wearing me out. So I decided I'd just pump three times a day and whatever I got, I got. We started giving him formula for his fourth bottle, which I was totally fine with at that point. Soon after that my little plan started to backfire. I was making more milk than I had time to pump which was creating some issues. Most of y'all mamas probably know what I'm talking about, the rest of you can thank me for not going into details. I tried to go back to pumping more but it was making me a miserable person. That might sound dramatic but I was feeling completely tied down to this stupid pump. It was ruling my whole day, where we could go and when we could go and when we were home I wasn't getting anything around the house done other than PUMPING. I was over it. I wanted to be done but I struggled with feeling guilty over not continuing to give my son the best nutrition when God was still providing it through me. But with each day of strictly pumping, I got more and more excited at the thought of being done. I'd still try nursing Gray every now and then but he'd refuse. If he would have started nursing again I would have gladly tried to stick it out another few months. But he didn't. And one day last week I finally made the decision to call it quits. The "quitting" process made for a really rough several days, but I will also skip those details. But after it was all said and done, it was like the most freeing feeling I've felt in a long time.

So on to the sweet parts...
I can go to bed and not have to stay up until midnight or wake up at 3:00 in the morning to pump. If I'm really tired, I can let Gray be my alarm clock in the morning instead of getting up to pump before he wakes up. I can go anywhere and stay gone as long as I want to. I can get things done when Gray naps. I don't have to wash out pump parts and bottles a million times a day (ok, 5 times a day but it felt like a million). I don't have to feel like I'm going to cry when Gray doesn't finish a bottle of milk that I got up at 3:00 in the morning to pump. I can wear what I want, when I want to. I feel like this list could go on and on and on. I officially packed up my pump a few days ago and I felt like the biggest weight had been lifted of off my shoulders. Hello, FREEDOM!!!!

Now, please don't get me wrong. I think breast feeding is one of the most amazing things about being a mom and I would encourage anyone to try it. The fact that God made our bodies be able to produce the most healthy nutrition for our babies is unfathomable to me. It's also an amazing bonding experience that only us mamas get to experience (though I don't see any dads shedding tears over that one). Oh, and it's free too! I am SO thankful that I was able to nurse Gray, especially for a little over 9 months. I can remember my goal being 6 months and I was thrilled when I got to that point. But of all the great things there are about nursing, I think most moms who have done it will admit it is a huge sacrifice. Though I would highly encourage it, I will truly never judge anyone who isn't up for it because it is far from easy! I was so fortunate that Gray was one of those babies that latched on from the very beginning but what I didn't lack in toughness there, I made up for in pain-literally and figuratively! ;) I am also thankful that I was able to get some milk frozen and although it won't quite last until he's one, we will be able to stretch it out for a little while in addition to using formula.

Now it's off to enjoy this new found freedom and hope to forget all about that dreadful pump before we even think about baby number two ;)